Episode 2: The Cigarette

Every newspaper, every magazine, even the god damned cigarette pack tells you how harmful smoking is. That doesn’t stop 80,000 to 100,000 kids from trying it every day. Every 8 seconds someone around the world dies from tobacco use. But if you think this post is about how to stop smoking, stop reading. Its reasons to continue and why smoking has a huge influence on everybody’s life.

The first time I had a cigarette was 2 years ago. About 5 guys had gotten out of chemistry tuition, me included. To prove our masculinity we decided to have one cigarette. Somebody with balls bought us the smokes and we hid them, hoping not to get caught. That’s the greatest thing about India though, you don’t have to be an adult to try anything. Even a twelve year old can purchase cigarettes and booze.

 So back to us. Out of the corner of my eye i spotted a truck. A big truck. Probably big enough to cover all our stupid asses. We ran behind it. And let me just tell you that I’ve never been this scared my whole life.

Cigarettes are a taboo. Everybody has seen a smoker. Everybody knows one. But till you hit adolescence, it doesn’t even cross your mind that you can actually try a cigarette. Your parents (yes, even the ones who smoke) warn you about the hazards of smoking. They threaten to beat you, to ground you, fuck, even to kill you. Which is why when you’re standing there, like a complete fucking jackass, trying to hide a cigarette in your hand, behind a fucking truck, You happen to think, what if i get caught? You start to imagine you’re dad burying your body in an isolated place. Trust me my dad has the potential to do that. You hesitate. But then “izzat ki baat hai, yaar”. So you go through with it. Oh, what a glorious day that was!

Anyway, we tried to limit ourselves to one a week. That turned into twice a week. Well in a nutshell, it’s around ten to twelve a day, at present.

In my three years of experience as a smoker. I’ve seen every possible reaction to the cigarette. From disgust to admiration. I fall under the latter. I’ve seen smokers or Charsi’s as we call em’  in Bombay, curse it. And I’ve seen charsi’s fall in love with the cancer stick every day. Again i fall under the latter. They say smoking cuts down 8 minutes of your life, every cigarette that is. But then again “8 minute zyaada jee kar, kya ukhade ga?” (What are you gonna accomplish in 8 minutes?).

It seems to me like a fair trade off for the 5 minutes of complete atonement you attain while you smoke. It really does seem like falling in love. When those warm fumes enter your lungs, your head just gets a little lighter. You’re throat feels like velvet. Its like falling in love with the reefer, every time you smoke it.

And there’s never a reason for me to quit. One, I'm not a big fan of old people, don't wanna become one. Two,It really pisses people off when they see a kid like me smoking. You even get the whiney fucks sometimes, “Please, this is not only your air, its every bodies.” or "Please throw that cigarette away,its killing you." And i swear the next person who says that is gonna get a punch so hard, they wished they smoked. Three, Beer does not reach its maximum potential in taste without the wonderful taste of a Classic Mild. And lastly, I want to die of something of my choosing, when I get lung cancer, the doctors will put me on so much pain medication that I will not notice that the copious amounts of blood that I am coughing out have put my cigarette out. So you see there’s never a reason not to smoke.

Times To Smoke: 
-When stressed (instantly relaxes you)
-After sex (sometimes better than the act itself)

-While drinking (nothing tastes better)

-After waking up (it works better than the strongest coffee)

-Before going to sleep (you'll sleep so well, people will think you're in coma)
-While playing pool (trust me, nothing looks cooler)
-While bored (time flies while smoking)

-While on smoke break (what else you gonna do?)
-Before meals (to satisfy the hunger)
-After meals (to digest the food better)
-When driving (you need something to do with you're mouth, right?)
-When drowsy (you'll be up like a 14 year olds boner) 

-When drunk (it just improves that awesome high)
-When confused (it enlightens you)
-While deep in thought (relaxes you)
-When around others who smoke (you need to give em' company right?)
-When scared (after a smoke, you wont be)
-When nervous (after a smoke, you wont be)
-When around people who DON'T smoke (just to piss em off)
-When doing laundry (i.e. stinky clothes) 
-Upon buying a new pack (inauguration)
-When introducing yourself (to make it clear, you're smoker. you don't want to lead them on, do you?)
-When you are living life to it's fullest 
-When living fast and dying young 
-When drinking coffee 
-When coughing 
-While watching a movie 
-When angry 
-After class 

 And lastly while writing this blog post.

So in conclusion, I’d like to say that there’s never enough reason not to smoke. And if you’re not a smoker please don’t hate. And don’t ever tell a smoker that “Smoking is injurious to your health”. We know and most importantly don’t give a fuck. For example the conversation i had with a guy from my college:  

Douche bag: "You know, smoking is bad for your health." 
Me: "OH MY FUCKING GOD, THANK FUCKING CHRIST, YOU SAVED ME, I HAD NO IDEA THAT IT WAS BAD FOR MY HEALTH, I'm so glad that a person such as yourself has come into my life and saved me from the dangers of cigarettes. You are truly a blessed person." 
Douche bag: "Well, man, I thought it was just the right thing to do." 
Me: "Oh wait, I forgot, I really don’t give a fuck, I hope you die of second hand smoke. Where the fuck is my lighter?"      -_-

Okay, now I’m craving a smoke.  So i shall leave you with this.

“A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?” ~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray.

This is Aaron Caeiro, signing out.